Only In The Philippines

Along a highway in Pampanga: "WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE"
On a self-service restaurant in Cebu: "PLEASE HELP OUR COMFORT ROOM CLEAN"
In a Baguio grocery: "FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"
In Cubao: "NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"
Along Luneta Boulevard: "BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"
On Jeepney and Bus signs: "BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"
On a flower shop in Rizal Avenue: "WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS"
On a delivery truck: "NOT FOR HERE"
On window of a restaurant in Baguio: "WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"
On a street in San Juan: "BAWAL MAGTAPON NG BINALOT NA TAE RITO"
A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university: "PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."
At a men's comfort room, above a urinal: (maybe from UP Diliman dorm): "HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN!"
At a construction site in Mandaluyong: "BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"
Somewhere along San Andres: "NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS!"
Vacant lot near Makati Avenue: "DON'T PARKING!!!"
At an eatery in Cebu: "WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!"
Sa pader ng Intramuros: "MARUNONG K BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMI-IHI DITO!"
On a building somewhere in the Philippines: "NOTARY PUBLIC, TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO."

*****

Pinoy Na Pintor
Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads.

"Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito!

In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?" Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well." "Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."

Tatlong oras pa lang, narining na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi". "Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours.

Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?" "Sir, yes sir.

I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy. "Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano. "Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch... your car is a BMW..."

*****

Stool Specimen Check-up
Doc to old patient: I need sample of your urine, stool semen.
Old man to wife: Ano daw ang kailangan niya?
Wife: Ibigay mo na lang ang brief mo!

*****

Brain Surgery
Sa isang ospital, pagkatapos ng operasyon
Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa ulo? Halos kita na ang utak ko.
Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded ka na ngayon.

*****

Faith Healer
Old man: Can you give me an e-rection?
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the "dead".

*****

Airport Canteen

Sa airport canteen, umorder ang isang Amerikano
Kano: Miss, will you please give me one few two?
Tindera: What, sir?
Kano: I said one few two.?
Tindera: Oh, puto!
Kano: Yeah, that's right!
(Sa loob-loob ng tindera, tangna! Puto lang, pino-few two few two pa!
Gagantihan ko siya!?
Tindera: Okey, sir? what color do you want? few la? or few ti?

*****

Fried Eggs
Waitress: How do you want your EGGS done, Sir?
American: I want my eggs fried.
Japanese: I want it boiled.
Pinoy: Ala eh! Sa kin, hawakan mo na lang, masarap na yaan!

*****

Learn Japanese

1) Is this your underwear? Jakimoto?
2) Are you regular customer? Sukikaba?

*****

Farting Etiquette

Q: What does an American say when he farts?
A: Excuse me

Q: British?
A: Pardon me

Q: Canadian?
A: Pardon moi, eh

Q: Pinoy?
A: Not me!

*****

Question: Ano ang similarity ng UTOT at TULA?
Answer : Pareho silang nagmula sa POET!

*****

Birthday Present

Man: I want a birthday present for my wife.
Saleslady: How long have you been married sir?
Man: 22 years!
Saleslady: Bargain basement is on the left.